How Fear Can Be an Underlying Driving Force in Relationships

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can keep us stuck or be a powerful motivator. It can pull us away from instead of toward connection. In the context of relationships where partners don’t feel secure, it’s likely not within awareness because on the surface, it often disguises itself as anger and frustration. Unresolved, it can show itself as anxiety.

In insecure attachment, fear is the underlying driving force. Fear will shape our thoughts and behaviors in ways that foster and maintain disconnection and distance. Underneath it all, our fears may be of being abandoned or not being seen as capable by our partners. Think of your last argument. Was the subject matter really that important? Or was it an underlying fear that kept the argument going?

You may be angrily arguing over your partner’s lack of attention to what you are saying, but underneath you’re really asking “Do they care enough? Do I matter to them?” While your partner may be getting the message that they can’t get things right. Unable to identify these fears and process them, we usually end up caught in ineffective cycles of emotional disconnection.

It goes that there is no courage without fear, but ironically, the very consequence of disconnection from others is also what may freeze us in place unable to access this courage. In a way, without help in processing our deep-seated fears, we are caught in a negative cycle in which fear leads to disconnection which leads to fear. Even if we have enough strength to “run” toward our fears, while in an insecure place, that will likely trigger an anxiety response which will make the experience all the more painful.